Short Nights

It seems I have experienced a lot of “short nights” over the course of my life. I mean by that, nights go by so quickly, and before it seems there has been time to rest, the alarm is ringing and the new day with all it’s wonders and struggles is beginning again.

I am writing this note at three minutes to midnight. I had been in bed for the past hour and a half, waiting to go to sleep, needing to go to sleep, telling my mind to switch over to dream mode and let me cross from this day passed to this day coming.

I am not unused to being awake in the “middle” of the night, but I am finding that sleep is more frequently difficult to start, and almost impossible to maintain now. While there is so much less presently to be concerned about, “semi-retirement” and the slew of jobs that must be done each day are less pressing than being expected to “get up, dress up, and show up” every single day for 10 – 12 hours, I can’t seem to get the senescent mind to shut down, or stay down, or take me on a whimsical journey through complicated silliness I will be unable to remember five minutes after I awake.

I would blame it on the coffee, but I don’t drink coffee. I could blame it on aches and pains, but most of the time I am relatively free of such things. I should blame it on the excitement of what is coming – like when I was a boy and with the dawn there was a hunting or fishing trip, or a journey that would begin before dawn to somewhere I so badly wanted to go – but, alas, each new day is pretty much the same as the last.

Sometimes I wonder if it is the Lord imploring me to listen, learn, spend more time concentrating on the realities of Truth, or if it is the Enemy reminding me of all the missed opportunities, wasted hours – days, months, years even, or nothing  more than the cruelties of life visited on those who are. . .well, old.

I keep searching for some inkling of an idea about how to deal with such matters. Deep in the night I often sit alone, awake, and wonder. . .what could have been, what should have been, and what, with the sunrise, will be, as all the while the night wears on until whatever is coming is just a few heartbeats away.

Now. . .the ultimate question at 12:41am. . .to publish or delete.